One of the difficulties of motherhood for me is that nights of adequate rest are rare. It's a struggle to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Scott tends to wake up at least once in the night and Ethan wakes up pretty early. "Mom, get up. It's light outside."
The really unfortunate thing is that when I'm tired (or hungry), my coping skills go out the window and I am easily irritated. I am sad to say that I raise my voice and the person who gets yelled at is Ethan. Poor guy, he's only 2. I have tried a few things to keep myself calm and they have helped somewhat. One of them was singing (kind of recitative style) when I wanted to yell. The other is putting Ethan in his room with his gate up until I calm down. The problem with the singing is that it only works when I remember to sing. The problem with the gate is that Ethan gets very upset and screams when he gets put in his room.
You can imagine that Ethan has seen me angry many times. He seems to have started a campaign to keep Mom happy. He has a lot of different tactics. One is that he tries pretty hard to be good. He always asks permission to jump on the couch cushions, instead of just jumping. He always asks permission before using the computer. He is really good about answers like, "Just a minute, I'm feeding Scott." Periodically, during the day, he tells me, "Mom, I like you." Twice he told me, when I was angry, "Mom, look at the temple. Think about who lives in there. Heavenly Father can take that (my anger) away." A few days ago, he said, "Mom, I don't like those eyes. I like happy eyes." I think my favorite was yesterday or the day before, when he came up and put his arm around me, patted me on the back, and told me, "These are pats to help you feel better."
Writing this all down makes me think it should be easier for me to be calm. What a great little guy I have here. He really is. I just need to remember that when he's smacking Scott in the head with a book or standing on him. Anyone out there have good ideas for keeping calm instead of giving in to anger?
3 comments:
Situational emotional management is one of our biggest challenges in families. I occasionally question their understanding when people don't qualify their answer to the TR question about "conduct relating to members of their family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the church", knowing what family life can often(?) be like.
One of the helpful things to remember (often reminded by Covey) is that between stimulus and response, we humans have something called choice, will, or agency. We can decide how to respond rather than being reflexive.
What has helped me change over the years is to recognize that I don't want to cause problems, that I have to try to undo later, in a stress-provoking situation. I try to think, "What is the outcome I would like in this situation, and what can I say that will help me get there?" and to recognize that yelling and blaming someone won't accomplish that.
There are times when it is helpful to yell just to let off steam, but now when I do it is to exclaim something like, "I hate it when such and such happens!" "I get so frustrated when...", etc. You get the idea. That is an honest expression of one's feelings that doesn't demean a child or other adult who is contributing to problems. It vents and lets them know how you really feel and as soon as rationality returns permits ongoing conversation which may result in better understanding.
In the meantime, while learning to change one's behavior so that it matches what we want to occur between stimulus and response, apologizing is always a good thing when one has made a mistake, even to children. It is not a substitute for doing what is right but it a step in the right direction.
I hope this helps.
Hi Erin,
Thanks for commenting on my blog. I feel your pain in this post. When my boys were the age of yours (not that long ago, really) it was one of the hardest times of my life so far. The demands on you are so intense and neverending. I still struggle to get to bed on time, because I often feel like after 8:30 PM is the only time I have to "get things done!"
One thing that helped us a lot at this stage was taking a parenting class offered through the school district. It was based on "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. I would really recommend it -- a class if you can find one, but the book on its own is fantastic, too. We are still using these principles and will continue in the future.
BUT it's still a struggle. It will always be a struggle, I think, with the particular personalities of the children I've been given. Ask again in 20 years and maybe I will really have some answers! I can only hope!
Hey Cousin! I sympathize with your plight!! I only have one 18 month old and sometimes it seems like he's in two places at once making two messes simultaneously! I took an anger management course last year and the best thing I learned is that we talk ourselves into being angry. We say things like "It shouldn't be like this" instead of just accepting the fact that it is like this and we need to figure out how to deal with it. This was one of my biggest mistakes of the past. I thought everything SHOULD be a certain way and when it wasn't I'd have issues. It's a very Type A AKA Spackman behaviour that I've had to learn to change and I'm definately still learning. I try to be more flexible now and accept things for how they are. Sometimes going somewhere where you can just scream loudly for a minute without someone hearing you and thinking you're a crazy woman helps too. That's my quick two cents. Love to all-you guys look great!! Love Erica
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